How to react to kids fighting

A boy plays with his brother in Banlie Village of Bansheng Township in Dahua Yao autonomous County, south China's Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region. (Photo : Xinhua/NEWSis)

Fighting is often a way for kids to get attention- and for some kids, negative attention is better than none at all. If adults ignore the fighting and do not let it become a “center stage” in the home or certain location, there becomes less of a reason to do it. That means that you do not need to interfere each time your kids fight. You can sometimes neglect what you are seeing unless they start getting aggressive. Try as much as you can to be calm and fair because you love them both. Your kids are different; they can differ in age, sex, and interests. So, fighting is expected. Neglecting them all the time is wrong too though, because this can lead to a big gap in their relationship.

Ready..Steady..Fight

Kids’ fighting is a child behavior that is a part of growing up. If the fight does not become physical, give your kids the space to make a deal between themselves. Maybe they can manage their fight alone. If the fight turns otherwise, your immediate interference is required, especially if the fight becomes too physical, or one of them starts teasing the other about emotional subjects like “hey you fatty,” for example.

Don’t be part of the fight

When your interference is required, try to make the best of it. First, don’t shout, because shouting will make you part of the fight. Try to change the place. Moving to another room will help them calm down. You have to treat them equally. Taking sides or doling out punishments differently sets the stage for labeling victims and bullies. In most cases, the punishment should be the same: so do not start physically touching only one of them, because this will make the other child more angry.

One or both of your children may try to drag you into the argument. When this happens tell them both, “I know you and your sister can work out the problem together. I believe you can do it.” This statement helps in a few ways. One, it allows you to respond to their request, but does not involve you in the situation. Two, it empowers them to come up with a solution. By saying, “I believe you can work it out,” you are expressing the confidence you have in their abilities and giving them the little push they need to be creative and come up with a resolution.

Don’t jump to conclusions

Try to take your time to know who is wrong, because the kid crying is not always the victim, and the one shouting the attacker. Jumping to conclusions can make you take the wrong impression and enforce a wrong punishment, which is completely unfair. You need to sit and understand how it all started and then start blaming.

Give them some space

While boredom and a desire for attention are two common reasons for fighting, there are many other reasons. These could be as complicated as underlying sibling competition or as simple as hunger. Sometimes bickering is just a way for kids to blow off steam. Understanding the cause of the fights will indicate the best way to handle them.

When your kids are fighting and start expressing their anger, do not prevent them from saying words to each other. You need to give them the right to express their anger. Try not to say, “You shouldn’t say that. You love each other.” This kind of talk is not preferable, because at the moment they do not have feelings of love towards each other. So, it is better to say, “I see that the situation between you is really bad, and we need to talk.”

Sometimes going into the details will make them calm down like, “Okay, you took her book, so she hit you and then you hit her back, right?” Going into details will make them feel relieved, because they can tell the story from their side.

If still angry, make them busy

If after discussing the details of the fight, the feeling of anger is still there and they start throwing and hitting things around, please try to manage your reaction. Do not shout, but try to grab their attention with something else that can help them to get rid of the anger. When kids are actively engaged in independent play activities, they are less likely to fight. And independent activities teach kids to handle their problems without running to a parent. And this is what they need to learn to stop fighting.

Finally

Keep in mind that fights between kids can never end and reducing kids’ fighting is a process. It will not happen overnight, and some kids are more disposed to bickering than others. Give kids the structure and strategies they need to deal with problems, but remember they are kids. And fighting with your siblings is all a part of being a kid. When you are done with controlling the conflict between them and you feel that they will be okay, you can leave them alone, and remind them that you trust them to be okay. If you feel that the conflict is still there, try not to leave them alone, but do not interfere. If they still need to talk, try to do something else and give them the space to end the conflict their way.

Constantly separating your children from each other will never teach them how to work together. Working with other people is such an important lesson to learn. It will help them in school, playing with others, and eventually help them into adulthood. If your children argue and always have someone come and mediate the situation, they will not learn how to compromise and get along on their own.

This is tough and there will always be times that you use your best judgment as a loving parent and intervene during your children’s quarrels. However, taking a step back and allowing them to attempt to work things out is going to be the best thing for them in the end.