Living together unmarried under same roof

Marriage is a social commitment couples make to live together permanently. But many break up despite the intention of their vows, leaving a fundamental question in the wake ― what’s marriage actually for?

An increasing number of couples, instead of rushing down the aisle, are choosing to live together. This is emerging as an alternative to marriage for many couples.

Cohabitation is not common in this conservative Korean society which in some quarters still stresses Confucian values.

But public favor is turning more towards living together without marriage. More than 55 percent of young Koreans aged between 15 and 32 showed a positive reaction to cohabitation, according to a recent report by the National Statistical Office.

Moving in together is a huge step and a sign of serious commitment between two people. However, just as a marriage license doesn’t necessarily certify a permanent relationship, cohabitation is also prone to problems and misunderstandings about money and other issues. Still, many young couples are expected to experiment with cohabitation before tying the knot.

Lee, a 28-year-old LED factory worker in Ansan, Gyeonggi Province, has lived with his girlfriend for a year and a half. He met his girlfriend in the same factory and began cohabitation a month after they started dating.

He said he started working right after graduating from high school and lived alone. “I felt lonely because of working from such a young age. I hated to go home where nobody was waiting. Now I am happy to have someone who is next to me and talks to me,” Lee said.

“I think cohabitation is 100 percent fine before getting married because it provides opportunities to get to know each other. Even if you are not thinking about marriage, it’s still worthwhile because it is going to be a good experience any way.”

Lee, who is going to marry his girlfriend on Dec. 1, said that society needs to embrace cohabitation as another form of family structure.

“I think it’s not fair if you look on somebody’s cohabitation with a prejudice. As far as I know there are many couples who don’t register their marriage even after they have a wedding ceremony. What is so different?”

Social prejudice

Most couples who live together say it’s still difficult to make their cohabitation publicly known.

Kim, a 31-year old woman, has lived with her boyfriend since last November in Seongnam-si, Kyeonggi Province after she met her boyfriend in the restaurant where she used to work as a waitress. She has maintained the relationship with her partner for four years.

“Our cohabitation began naturally because my boyfriend had moved to my town alone,” Kim said. “At the time, I was living with my family but frequently slept over with my boyfriend. So we decided to live together in order to cut expenditure on hotels, food, etc.”

Kim said she initially thought that people should marry first if they want to live together because, she thought, a compromise between the two, or both, would likely be damaged if cohabitation doesn’t work out.

“My mother was also worried about me living together with a man without marrying. She was worried that I could earn a bad reputation from cohabiting,” Kim said. “We are not ashamed of cohabiting but we don’t think it is something that we can tell everybody either. Only our family members and some of our closest friends know about it. And most of them told us that they want us to get married rather than live together.”

Kim says she sometimes becomes anxious when thinking about the future.

“I can feel that responsibilities between us are weaker than couples who made a commitment to marriage. Frankly speaking, I am sometimes afraid of the uncertainty of our relationship,” she said. “However, we don’t have a plan to marry any time soon because my boyfriend has yet to get a stable job to secure our future.”

Her 29-year-old her boyfriend said, “I want people to change their perception of living together as the only thing different between regular dating and cohabiting is how much time we spend with each other.”

Lee, a 27-year-old service industry worker, lives with her boyfriend in Songpa-gu, Seoul. She started cohabitation a year after they dated because her company was close to her boyfriend’s house.

She said her parents don’t know about her situation. “I didn’t tell my parents because I didn’t want to make them worry about me,” she said. “I told them I am living with a female friend.”

She said the best thing about her living together is that she doesn’t feel too lonely because it became convenient to commute.

But the worst part also coexists. “When I have argument with my boyfriend, I don’t know what to do because I have to be with him in the same place although I want to be alone.”

Lee said she is aware of Korean people’s negative perceptions of sharing a living space. “Our society tends to cover up sex issues. So I understand people think cohabitation is a bad thing unless you eventually get married to your partner,” she said.

However, she has a different view, saying “I heard that the divorce rate has increased lately. So I think it is nice to adapt to each other before marriage because we can learn how to be considerate of partner’s feelings as well as how to compromise.”

Legal grounds necessary

Yang, a 31-year-old wedding planner, got married in July last year. She dated her boyfriend for seven years and lived together for about a year before marriage.

“I don’t want to recommend cohabitation to other people, but negative ideas on it in this society regarding chastity or constancy are outdated,” Yang said.

Some couples who had experiences of living together say those who want to do so need to strike a balance between love and work.

Park, a 31-year old lawyer, lived with his partner between April and November in 2006 in Gwanak-gu, Seoul. After he passed the first phase of the state bar exam, he decided to prepare for the second in Seoul.

He met his partner at a subway station in Sillim-dong, Seoul; an area where cheap lodging and private institutes are clustered to enable many young applicants who are preparing for state exams to become civil servants.

“I overestimated myself that I can manage my life between love and study for the exam, however, when I started to live together with my girlfriend, I could not concentrate on studying,” he said.

“I really loved my girlfriend, who is my wife now. But, I failed continuously when I took the second-phase bar exam in 2006. So I decided to break up with her. But after the breakup, she visited me and told me she was pregnant.”

Park passed the exam and became a lawyer in June 2009.

“Throughout the cohabitation period, I had valuable experiences. I could look into myself objectively, while caring for my girlfriend,” he said. “It is a rehearsal for a real marriage. I neither recommend it nor deny it, but cohabitation is a practical alternative to marriage.”

He said only young people who have a sense of balance in life would gain benefits from living together.

Some analysts say that Koreans should work on the establishment of legal support for living together.

“With society changing fast, cohabiting couples are increasing. To better cope with this, the government needs to make preparations,” said Professor Kim Hye-young of Sookmyung Women’s University. “In France, lawmakers have already set up a protective legal system for the cohabitant couples. We also need a realistic approach to boost birthrates.” <The Korea Times/Ryu Chang-gi, Jun Ji-hye, Rachel Lee>

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