Helicopter parents: in between overprotection, assistance

They simply cannot let go of their children, hovering closely overhead, rarely out of reach from diapers to diplomas, whether their children need them or not.

These “helicopter parents” keep their children from developing a sense of independence and a can-do attitude by overprotecting them.

The parents, however, believe they just care about their kids’ success a little more than other parents, mainly due to concerns about fierce competition not only in schools but also in the job market.

Some even call it an addiction. The over-parenting may clear some obstacles out of the paths that lie ahead of their children ― but at the expense of undermining their children’s ability to stand on their own feet.

Devoted life mentors

Kim, aged 52, has a daughter who attends a medical school. Her daughter, Lee enjoys studying and has been atop academically since elementary school.

But she is now under an extreme pressure. Although she has maintained the top place since entering with a 4.41/4.5 GPA, the tremendous amount of studying that’s required and excessive competition with her classmates led to huge levels of stress for her.

However, the 21-year-old cannot afford to take a rest from her studies to relieve the stress, in fear that she would fall behind.

Therefore, Kim tries her best to help her daughter stay atop. At Lee’s request, Kim wakes her up between 3 to 4 a.m. every day.

Lee lives away from her family, nearby her school.

Every week, Kim comes to her studio apartment and fills her refrigerator with wholesome, nutritious home-made food. All the food she brings is divided into single meal portions, so that every time Lee has to eat, she can heat up just one portion and have it, without having to deal with what’s left.

“I number the Tupperware containers to indicate which ones she should eat first. I also make a chart that tells her the dates until each portion would be good to eat,” she said.

When Kim reads the papers, she looks carefully at the health section. She has a notebook and file that she keeps, filled with useful tit-bits of information that help her keep her daughter in good health, so that she can focus on her studies.

“There was a section introducing the 12 different types of vitamins in the paper the other day. I took notes and told my daughter about what I had read, and she told me she was touched by my efforts,” Kim said.

At the end of each semester, Kim takes Lee on an overseas trip, so that she can recharge herself after a semester of a tremendous workload.

When asked how long she will devote herself to taking care of her daughter, she said there is no time limit.

Kim does not consider her care to be devotion. Rather, she believes what she can do to contribute to the society as a parent, is to bring up children who can in turn contribute to the society.

“Unless I become sick or unable to do so, I will continue to do my best to assist my children in becoming individuals who can make the society a better place,” she said.

Kim does not consider herself an instructor but a helper. She does not demand her daughter to do anything against her will, but advises or suggests what she thinks as a life mentor would be the best choice.

“When she was young, at times she would tell me to stop interfering. However, now, she appreciates all the things I do for her,” Kim said.

Kim does not think that her role is one that interferes with her daughter’s affairs. Her belief is that parents are the best teachers, the best persons to talk to and to receive counseling from.

Time to let go

Not every parent, however, is ingrained to do so. In fact some parents complain that they are burdened to serve as helicopter parents.

“It’s a demanding job, you know, to always seek job openings for my son, running up to career fairs and looking into websites and newspapers. I would not have done this if the job market is not this tight. This has become part of parents’ responsibilities,” said a woman at a job fair in Seoul earlier this week.

The 53-year-old woman went from booth to booth, recruiter to recruiter, passing out resumes, asking about job openings not for herself, but for her son.

As she said, parents swooping even into career search reflects the extreme difficulty for college graduates to land a decent job amid sluggish domestic economy. Last year, the jobless rate for young adults aged between 20 and 24 was 10.5 percent on average, compared with 3.7 percent for all adults, according to the Statistics Korea.

More parents are getting involved in their children’s job hunt than before, using all the connections they have to reach company officials to chat up their kids’ credentials, pester college career staff, and even show up at job interviews.

“It is happening quite a lot, actually. We see a lot more parents’ involvement these days,” said Shin, a human resources team executive at a renowned ad agency.

Still need help from parents

Although many insist that their freedom has often been invaded by the parents, some admit that they are at least partly responsible for what turned out to limit their rights as adult.

“I think I have to own up to the fact that I still want to rely on my parents from time to time,” 28-year-old Park said. “What’s ironical part of this is that I want to be free from my parents at the same time.”

The 28-year-old used to work at a marketing firm. Although his father was an owner of a factory, he wanted to be independent from his father’s shadow financially and mentally.

Right after he graduated from college, he looked for a job and got a job in one of the biggest marketing firms in the country. Initially, it appeared that everything would turn out as he planned.

“That was the point where I faced a harsh reality that I did neither see nor recognize under my parents’ protection,” Park said. “The work was tough to the point where I began hating my job, which I used to love.”

Nevertheless, Park did not give up his long-awaited dream on a whim. He tried everything he could to turn things around. He believed time would bring positive change to his life.

“I waited and waited. The reason I could not give up on my job was the fact that I was sure it was where my passion truly lies,” Park said. “As time went by, however, the situation got worse. I’s like I was degraded to mere a part of a factory.”

His frustration with his job, interestingly, led him to respect his father.

“My father built his factory from scratch,” Park said. “Honestly, I did not like my father since his character was very conservative and dominant, which probably was my motivation to move out of my family. However, it turned out he deserves to be what he is today. It’s really a miracle to stand on one’s own feet without help from others.”

With new lessons that he learned from the experience, he finally decided to quit the job and started working for his father. The decision was tough, but he made up his mind, knowing he misses the safe-net provided by his parents.

“I mean I know that I’m taking a relatively easy route; working for my father is nothing, compared to working for someone that I do not even like,” Park said. “Although I do not like the way people look at me like I’m a spoiled rich boy who does not want to leave his parents’ nest, but what’s wrong with that?”

Micromanaging detrimental

Like Park, some adult children still want their parents to direct their lives.

“Those young adults are already tamed that way, having had a rare opportunity to build self-identities,” said Jung Tae-yun, a psychology professor at Chung-Ang University in Seoul.

“Children brought up by helicopter parents end up relying greatly on their parents. They are limited to think that it’s the best option, because they are not used to thinking about what they want or who they are.”

The problem is, while children remain incapable of acting as independent individuals, it is impossible for parents to stick around forever.

It seems parents’ micromanaging every bit of their children’s lives triggers bitter side-effects for not only the children but also the parents and society as well.

“It’s detrimental to the society, because more and more people have a hard time creating a healthy family independent from their parents when they get married,” the professor said.

“It is also fatal to aging parents, who must be taken care of their children in reverse, when they get old. The natural stage of the parents-children relationship is being destroyed due to the role of helicopter parents.” <Korea Times/Jung Min-ho, Bahk Eun-ji, Kim Bo-un, Kim Jung-yoon>

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